"From Breakdown to Breakthrough"

I’m pretty sure it is time for me to share what I now know, that the breakdown I had in 2015 turned out to be my biggest breakthrough.

Up until I was 35 years old, I was a happy-go-lucky person with no care in the world, a survivor of a traumatic childhood. I loved life, human beings, and the Earth. Everything in it was worth waking up for and being happy about on a daily basis, or at least most days. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t always happy. I did have my moments, but they were only allowed to be just that, "moments".

Moments that I was really good at brushing under the carpet, calling stupid or silly, and ignoring as much as I could. Moments that I could let go because I had been in worse situations and I had survived. Moments that I drowned in alcohol or exhaled while smoking weed. However, these moments kept on reoccurring throughout my life.

Fast forward to when I was 35 years old. One day, from one day to the next, things stopped feeling and working like they used to. Something had deeply changed, and wham! My breakdown came full on. Unexpected, uninvited, like an unwelcome guest that comes to gatecrash your party.

My breakdown was classified as mental and emotional. Luckily, my physical body was able to support me. I thought my soul had broken too, but I now know that wasn’t the case. For days, weeks, and months, I found myself being dragged into the deepest and darkest hole I had ever been in. Those “moments” I had experienced throughout my life were nothing in comparison to this place. This was the place where all those moments that I had ignored, called stupid, and brushed under the carpet resided, together with all the trauma and bad experiences I had gone through.

Initially, I resisted it and started to question my whole life. What had happened? What did I do wrong? Where was my happy self? Why didn’t I pay attention to those moments? Why didn’t I see this coming? I felt so broken, powerless, and worthless, with no purpose or reason for being, existing in a world that felt so sad (an extreme state of being, but one that many experience).

Everything I did to get out of the hole seemed futile. There was no hope; I felt like I was going to be inside that hole forever. So, I surrendered to my sadness and the “monsters” that resided with me in the dark hole.

I got lost in this hole of sadness for a year that felt like an eternity, with companions that felt heavy, huge, overwhelming, and sticky. I didn’t know how to get out; I couldn’t see the light.

One day, lying in my bed, completely surrendered to and sucked in by my breakdown, with tears rolling down my eyes while lying in a fetal position, begging God to release me from my burden, I was hugged by a warm, comforting, and bright light. In my head, I heard, "Hold on a bit longer. There is so much more to your life; it is not over yet."

Every time I share this story a do it with a smile, because at that moment I really thought the sun had come out and was beaming down on me. It had been cloudy and rainy for such a long time (sometimes the weather seems to accompany your mood) so when I opened my eyes looking for the sun and I saw the sky filled with black clouds, gobsmacked tears flowed again, but this time for another reason. I understood that “someone” had offered me a helping hand, words of hope and the light I needed to see to get out of my hole.

I know this light was lovingly kicking me up the bum because it reminded that this state wasn’t permanent, it did not have to be the end, if I didn’t want it to be.

Could I press PAUSE and START again? Of course I could, but I knew I would need professional help to start with. Therapy and the holistic practices I tried and then I went to study, offered me that time of PAUSE and reflection, that in time would allow me to start again, but not from the start position, but from an advantage point.

In time, I started to get the tools that allowed me to understand this Breakdown and sit with my “moments” patiently, kindly, compassionately and lovingly. Every day honouring where I was on my journey, not knowing how long it would take to dissolve.

Whilst sitting in this pause I started to address a list of WHY’s:

- Why did I take the role of survivor in my life?

- Why did I ignore my trauma, experiences and the memories?

- Why did I not pay attention to the signs?

- Why did I not pay attention to the unhealthy relationship patterns I was constantly repeating?

 - Why was I numbing my feelings in alcohol and drugs?

Then the what’s slowly came in:

- What could I do to make this breakdown a breakthrough?

- What tools did I need? Did I have them?

- What did I really want from life?

And slowly, with a lot of self-love and consistency from my part and professionally, my breakdown started to provide me with invaluable insights and knowledge on these questions and life, with the potential to become wisdom if I applied them, and a lot of AHA moments: My Breakdown became a Breakthrough.

What it felt like a huge hole, started to become a dark tunnel instead. A dark tunnel that I started to walk with my truth, guided by the inner knowing that a light would soon start to appear. After a year I didn’t just start to see the light, I understood I am the light as well as the dark. I embarked on a journey of Healing, which is now a day to day practice for me.

The story has a happy ending though, I am now living in full alignment with my true self, with a job that fills my life with purpose and meaning guiding others on their healing journey, however that may look like. It is not all roses and flowers, but I now have the tools and inner wisdom to navigate all that life brings me from a different perspective, where I can see every details without losing sight of the bigger picture. I live an abundant life, filled with happiness and love.

There are many ways to have a “breakdown”, it can be mental (like mine), emotional, physical or spiritual. However yours may be, one thing that I believe all of them have in common is that there is always that “something or someone” that keeps on knocking on the door to be seen, heard or felt; but we decide to ignore, not acknowledge or brush under the carpet, because we can’t pause, we must continue surviving (not living). My advice to you, please do not ignore what wants to be seen, heard or felt. Press PAUSE every once in a while to reflect, understand and integrate; then carry on from an advantage point.

If you, however, feel like you are having a breakdown, let your family and friends know, the people who love you. Do not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help and use holistic practices that offer healing. Make sure whatever you use offer a safe space where you can be vulnerable and allow all of yourself to be seen and heard. Allow yourself to walk through the darkest spaces of yourself (feelings, thoughts, pain, etc.) let them move through you, listen patiently and lovingly; knowing you are the light. Allow your breakdown to become your breakthrough too, don't give up.

“Life does not want us to break, it wants to release us from the armors and cages that have made us prisoners in our own being”

With love,

Zoly

Ps: Please remember to take what resonates with you and, if it does not, that is ok.